I met a man, which is not rare in my business and my life. But I met a man who, at least at the time of writing, seems to fit my ‘list’. What is this, you might ask – it’s a list I have written of desired traits and attributes I was looking for in a relationship. I know that some people start out with the basics – s/he has a pulse – but I believe that the subconscious can be directed by the way we look at things, the way we search for things, the way we desire or want things. So looking at the way we think, feel, and access our deeper part of mind, I contemplate the issue of getting what I (believe I) want…
Making a list, checking it twice…
I’ve heard in some movies about women talking together who have said, “I don’t want Mr. Right, just Mr. Right Now!” Both, now or not, are equally valid if they are something you need or want. However, for me, I was looking for something a little bit more long term – someone who could be a partner with me through a portion of the journey of my life. To do so, I needed to create an ‘avatar’ in my head that I could attract to me.
Whether or not you’ve seen the movie, or have ever had a ‘placeholder’ for yourself in an online game, an avatar is a representative of yourself or another. You might, in creating the avatar, change gender, physical appearances or other aspects of yourself, or you could make it close to your actual form (depending on my hair length, my Wii character has changed over time, for example).
So when I was creating an ‘avatar’ for my goal relationship I covered a wide variety of different aspects. More than an exterior, he needed to possess additional strengths, traits and experiences. Being understanding and patient were important, having travelled and lived abroad was something included, intelligent, daring, honest… there was quite a list and some of them were written 2, 3 or 4 times because they seemed so important to me.
Some people mentioned that at my age, I couldn’t be picky about a lot of things, and I (silently) replied to myself, “why not?” The ‘worst’ thing that could happen is that some of the list wasn’t fulfilled, but at best, they could all be granted. And the exercise helped me to realize what was important to me. I quickly looked at past relationships and noted a few ‘don’t do that again’ moments (we CAN learn from experience) as well as reflected on the strong points which lead me to those individuals in the past.
While we haven’t gotten to the ‘action’ and fulfillment part of the process, take a moment and think of something/someone you want in your life. It could be a partner, someone for your office, a material possession – but write down what you really want. Remember that the mind doesn’t hear “don’t” so put the positive, “I want order in my office” rather than negative, “I don’t want a messy desk”. The time spent thinking and writing, and repeating in your head, are helping to plant suggestions you desire.
Our Love Map is (or is not) the Territory
The Ericksonian* saying goes “the map is not the territory” which means that a map is only a object representation of the reality of the area or object, not the actual land in its true form, but a mapmakers interpretation.
However, there is also the concept of a “love map”, which is our mental formulation of a love match, developed by our past experiences, drawn from those we loved or respected highly in our early years etc. This can include physical characteristics, interests, attributes and more. When we meet someone, as far as the theory goes, we overlay this developed map over each individual and see how closely they agree. When they don’t, we tend to not ‘click’ or may not see them as long-term partners/friends. When they do, we do.
So while we have already mapped out attracting aspects for our future loved ones, we need to remember that our perspective of these attributes, strengths and desirabilities are only OUR interpretation. Even as we aim to be rational about it, we are colouring others with the shades that we want.
So what does that mean? First, we realize that our ‘list’ may be altered unknowingly by our pre-existing set of requirements. This might explain why ‘perfectly good individuals’ don’t arouse our amour. This also reminds us that we can influence our own judgment of others, without their doing a thing – it really may be true that “it’s not about you, it’s about me”. The overlay of our map to someone elses may just not fit.. Which may explain why sometimes over time, when we change, other people seem to change too – our cartography shifts a little when we do a little work on ourselves, our history and our true desires.
Dream Boat or Shipwreck
It’s interesting to understand about our existing ‘love map’, because even though we may be pragmatically compiling a list, our earlier chart, the one we developed long ago, also may affect us consciously, but more likely unconsciously.
Often people continue habits, not because they are working for them, but because they are familiar. This may be one of the reasons why people say, “oh my goodness, I’ve married my mother/father – that was SO not the plan” – some of our biggest influencers are extremely familiar to us (whether the relationship worked or didn’t), so our map includes these figures. If our past map contributors were positive, we create a ‘dream boat’, if not, we experience the siren’s call towards our ‘shipwreck’.
Because the mind works by association, we often repeat these patterns over and over, because of the familiarity, not because they have worked in the past. This is our subconscious at work, trying to keep us balanced, but unwittingly forcing us upon the rocks, over and over again.
Often we are attached to non-functioning past relationship attributes because of the emotions involved. So compassion for ourselves and our past errors is key. Also, a deeper understanding of others, their limitations, intentions, (and their own maps and territories) need to happen, be forgiven, and then released. Usually, after the power and energy is taken out of these relationships, our current and future connections with others can change as well. Hypnosis is a great way to work though patterns/relationships that we’re hanging on to, that can be freed to unbind us for the next exciting chapter of our lives.
Dreams to Reality
I mentioned earlier that I made a list – it was on my palm pilot which died. Now you might think that this was a bad thing, that I lost my list of desirable traits and wouldn’t be able to find it/him again. Actually, this is a wonderful example of the difference between the subconscious and conscious minds. The conscious, with its short-term nature, needs to be reminded over and over. The subconscious, once it feels and knows on that deeper level, it remembers forever. Yet, in a battle between conscious and subconscious, the subconscious will always step back until the conscious tires out. For example, when a person you know, but can’t remember the name of comes up to you, you may think and think and think (conscious) and try to remember the name – usually to no avail – and then once you stop trying to remember (conscious), the name pops up (subconscious).
By losing the conscious reminder of the list, my subconscious could integrate the needs and wants of the list, and help guide me to those who were close to it, in a natural and gentle way. Remember, this isn’t a direct path or instant fix, but it does seem to work. Remember, you need to be a dynamic participant – it wouldn’t have worked if I had secluded myself off from others. It’s more than just wishing, it involved being open and active.
So whether it is someone or something in your life you desire, here are a couple steps that may help you on the path to getting it:
- Figure out what you want/need – write it down.
- Understand what existing expectations/maps you may already have that may stop you from getting what you want/need – do self-work or seek support in clearing these.
- ‘Let go’ – toss the conscious reminders so that subconscious can take over.
- Keep active, positive and involved in working towards your goals.
- Rewards… (I’ll leave this celebratory step to you)
May all your relationships work in the best way possible, and may you reach the goals you’re aiming for. We’ll see how this relationship pans out, but I’ve got a good feeling about it (hopefully it’s not just the endorphins created by checking something off my list)…
*Milton Erickson was a great hypnotist from the last century.